What's The Gossip?
by LittleMissyDOAGalPal
Summary: On hiatus for a while... Sorry!
1. Chapter 1

**Dear Reader,**

**Okay everyone, i'm starting a new fic. All I need is a minute of your attention and a quick little vote! For the character with the most votes in a review, i'll update a chapter about them. It's going to be about the things they do that you'll never find out about, and the things that they say that nobody has ever heard. It's basically a behind-the-scenes genre. Note to you all that this has nothing to do with the actual plot and just for humor of us all. If you want a request on a certain character, then pretty please review. I'm in the mood to write a new humor! All votes and reviews matter to the next chapter. Happy reviewing.**

**From LittleMissyDOAGalPal96 :)**


	2. 1 Hayate

**Chapter One: What's the gossip on Hayate?**

_**Okay, I see that there are a lot of Hayate fans out there. And so, this chapter is going to be all about him.**_

_**All the events that you are going to read may or may not be related to the actual plot. The parts that sound like the plot will not turn out how you want it to be.**_

_**Also, whatever you see will be put in a random order, so don't blame me if you see a scene from a different DOA game first.**_

_**Hope you enjoy, and don't forget to leave a review.**_

_Note: I don't own anything related to the DOA series. I'm just a passionate writer._

_**Read & Review... :)**_

_**. . . . . . . . **_

(Hayate meets up with Kasumi in Dead or Alive 3)

**Kasumi: **Hayate...

(Hayate walks towards Kasumi)

**Hayate: **Why are you here? The clan could come and kill you in a seco- AAAHHH!

(Hayate falls face-first onto the ground)

**Kasumi: **Eeep!... Hayate!

**Hayate: **Well... This is awkward.

**Kasumi: **Oh no... It's fine. A-Are you alright?...

(Hayate stands up)

**Hayate:** I should be fine.

**Kasumi:** Oh, thats good.

**Hayate: **We're gonna have to pick another random time to do this... How's DOA4 for you?

**Kasumi:** Sounds good to me.

**Hayate: **Okay. We shall meet then.

(Hayate teleports)

_**. . . . . . . . **_

(Hayate and Ayane kneeling, listening to Shiden's orders)

**Shiden: **Hayate, I'd like for you lead the clan once again. I believe that you are fit and healthy enough to- Hayate?...

(Shiden and Ayane look over at Hayate who is snoring)

**Ayane: **(whispering) Master Hayate..

**Hayate: **(snoring)

**Shiden: **Hayate!

**Hayate: **W-Wha?...

**Shiden: **I'd love for you to become the leader of our clan once agai- HAYATE!

**Hayate:** (snoring)

**Ayane: **Master Hayate... (Ayane nudges Hayate with her elbow)

**Hayate: **Wha?- Oh... Sorry...

_**. . . . . . . . **_

(Hitomi is practicing her karate. She finds Hayate in the forest, almost unconscious)

**Hitomi: **S-Sir... Are you okay?

**Hayate: **Tweety bird...

**Hitomi: **Tweety bird?...

**Hayate: **You talk too much, Kasumi. Go find Ryu and annoy him for once...

**Hitomi: **Ryu?... Sir, please stop this nonsense!

**Hayate: **Please... Let me be, Kasumi.

**Hitomi: **But i'm not Kasumi!

**Hayate: **K... Kasumi...

**Hitomi:** I'll go and get some help... Stay here!

(Hitomi goes to find help)

**Hayate: **When you get back... we'll make fun of Ayane's abnormal hair...

(Hayate now passes out)

_**. . . . . . . . **_

(Hayate and Kasumi as children, jumping on the cliffs)

**Hayate: **I can beat you.

**Kasumi: **No you can't. I'm lighter, therefore i'm faste-

(Kasumi slips)

**Kasumi: **AAAAHHHH! Hayate, help me!

(Kasumi is slowly sliding off the cliff. She is barely holding on the edge of the cliff)

**Hayate: **Should I help you?...

**Kasumi: **Yes you should!

**Hayate: **Why?

**Kasumi: **Seriously?

**Hayate: **Jokes. I'll help you!

(Hayate helps Kasumi)

**Kasumi: **Thank you so much!

(Kasumi hugs Hayate)

**Hayate: **Relax... All I did was save your life...

_**. . . . . . . . **_

(Helena and Hayate are in the labs)

**Helena: **Have you heard of Project Epsilon?

**Hayate: **What is this? Star Trek?

**Helena: **No. But **i**t seems as though your memory is slowly starting to come back...

**Hayate: **Oh no... Did we hook up last night, or something?

**Helena: **What? No.

**Hayate:** Oh, thank God!

**Helena: **What's that supposed to mean?

**Hayate: **It's nothing bad. You're just not my type.

**Helena: **Not your type?... But i'm everyone's type!

**Hayate: **Nah... You're too blonde and mama-obsessive for me...

**Helena: **Well you seem like the workaholic type.

**Hayate: **You know you love it, baby.

_**. . . . . . . . **_

**(**Ryu beats Hayate in a fight)

**Hayate: **I remember you now... You're the man who offered me some lollies last week.

**Ryu: **What?

**Hayate: **Don't you remember? You said that I could have all your lollies if I got into that white van with you.

**Ryu: **I did no such thing.

**Hayate: **Of course you didn't. It's because I said no.

**Ryu: **What the hell are you on about?

**Hayate: **I'm saying that you, sir... are a homosexual candy man!

**Ryu: **I'm out of here...

(Ryu disappears)

**Hayate: **How sad... He didn't even try to deny it.

_**. . . . . . . . **_

(Kasumi finds Hayate)

**Kasumi: **Hayate.

**Hayate: **...

**Kasumi: **Hayate, my brother!

**Hayate: **Do I know you?

**Kasumi: **It's me... Your sister.

**Hayate: **Look lady, i've met a whole lot of people today.

**Kasumi: **...

**Hayate: **First, I met a woman asking me about some weird project. She secretly had the hots for me... Then I met a homosexual candy man. And now I meet this erotic-dressed teenager who thinks is my sister.

**Kasumi: **But Hayate... It's me!

**Hayate: **Lady, please don't try to turn me on right now. It's not going to work.

**Kasumi: **Why are you acting like this?

**Hayate: **It's not good to act desperate. You'll just look horny in the end.

(Ryu suddenly appears)

**Ryu: **It seems as though you two will have to fight. In order for Hayate to remember me, we had to battle. Kasumi... You're going to have to do the same.

**Hayate: **Please go away, you weird homosexual candy stalker... I'm not interested!

**Ryu: **Break his neck for me, Kasumi.

**Hayate: **Everyone so wants me today...

_**. . . . . . . . **_

(Hayate defeats Kasumi. Hayate is holding Kasumi in his arms)

**Hayate: **(crying) Kasumi... Kasumi, I... I... I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE SUCH BIG BONKERS!

_**. . . . . . . . **_

(Hayate defeats Tengu)

**Hayate: **I remember now... I am Superman.

**Tengu: **You're Hayate, you retard...

**Hayate: **Stay dead, you beast!

**Tengu: **I'm not a beast. I'm a tengu.

**Hayate: **And all tengu's are ugly.

**Ayane: **But Master Hayate... I'm the female tengu.

**Hayate: **Yes, I know.

(Ayane starts to cry)

**Hayate: **Awkward...

_**. . . . . . . . **_

(After the fight between Ayane and Kokoro)

**Hayate: **Ayane! Is that Kasumi?

**Ayane: **No. But I found a girl that was recently talking to Kasumi.

**Hayate: **Where is she? Did you ask her where Kasumi was?

**Ayane: **Oh no, she's gone... I wonder why...

**Hayate: **Ayane... You weren't being a bitch again, were you?

**Ayane: **Of course not!

_**. . . . . . . . **_

(Ryu and Hayate are talking on top of the roof)

**Hayate: **I will fight Genra.

**Ryu: **No. I will fight Genra. I feel as though it's my responsibility.

**Hayate: **It is my destiny.

**Ryu: **No. I will fight and defeat Genra.

**Hayate: **But first... Please buy some new pants...

**Ryu: **Why?

**Hayate: **They make your butt look big.

**Ryu: **Why are you looking at my butt?

**Hayate:** I'm just giving you honest fashion tips... Thats what best friends are for!

**Ryu: **... Lets fight!

**Hayate: **Nuh-uh!... Not until you change those pants!

_**. . . . . . . . **_

(Hitomi is serving Ayane and Hayate)

**Hitomi: **Oh, are you Kasumi by any chance?

**Ayane: **What makes you think that? How dare you compare me to a traitor!

**Hayate: **Hitomi, I told you... Kasumi is the pretty one! That's Ayane.

**Hitomi: **Ohhhh... The ugly half-sister?

**Hayate: **Yeah!

(Ayane starts to cry)

**Hayate: **Suck it up!

_**. . . . . . . . **_

(After the fight against Ayane and Hitomi)

**Ayane: **I never knew that Karate could be competitive against the Hajin Mon ninjitsu...

**Hayate: **Everyone knew that, Ayane. Geez, you're so slow...

**Hitomi: **The Hajin in the what now?

**Hayate: **Oh yeah... We're ninja's!

**Hitomi: **Wha? Ninjas?

**Hayate: **Yes, ninjas. Are you deaf today, Hitomi?... Do you need a doctor to check the wax in your gigantic elephant ears?

_**. . . . . . . . **_

(On the Suspension Bridge)

**Kasumi: **Hayate. I'm so glad that I can finally talk to you!

**Hayate: **...

**Kasumi: **Lets go back to the village and stop this war between DOATEC. I'll go with you. We can be a family again!

(Ayane appears)

**Ayane: **Words from a traitor! Shouldn't you be planning an act of revenge against the world right now?

**Kasumi: **...

**Ayane: **Master Hayate, you should go...

**Hayate: **No, bitch!

(Hayate shoves Ayane)

_**. . . . . . . . **_

(Hayate talking to Lisa at the Tritower Heliport)

**Hayate: **I understand that it was you who took my memory...

**Lisa: **Yes. I gave you a purpose in life. I also won't let that bastard, Donovan, get his way.

**Hayate: **...

**Lisa: **...

**Hayate: **YOU BITCH! I COULD HAVE DIED!

**Lisa: **It was in the past... Get over it.

**Hayate: **You're a fucking psycho!

**Lisa: **At least you're still alive.

**Hayate: **Go kiss a monkey, you frankenstien piece of shit!

_**. . . . . . . . **_

(Talking to Bayman)

**Bayman: **It is my job to take care of Donovan.

**Hayate: **No. I'll kill Donovan.

**Bayman: **Step aside, little weakling!

**Hayate: **Nuh-uh, hook nose! Leave Donovan to me!

**Bayman: **What is that supposed to mean?

**Hayate: **It means that I have a decent nose.

**Bayman: **What are you talking about? Everyone loves my nose!

**Hayate: **And by everyone, do you mean your Mother?

**Bayman:** ...

**Hayate: **Ooooh, snap! (Hayate clicks his fingers)

_**. . . . . . . . **_

(Hayate and Jann Lee win a tag battle, so they bump knuckles. Hayate accidentally punches Jann Lee in the face)

**Hayate: **Move your ugly face out of the way next time! Geez...

**Jann Lee:** Go look in the mirror.

**Hayate: **(Grabs a mirror from his pocket) All I see is beauty...

**Jann Lee: **(coughing) Ugly!

**Hayate: **I've got that one thing, baby.

**Jann Lee: **I'm gonna need an ice pack!

**Hayate: **Stop whining, you baby!

_**. . . . . . . . **_

(Hitomi runs up the stairs to get to Hayate)

**Hitomi: **Ein! I'm so glad I found you!

**Hayate: **It's Hayate, you hoe!

_**. . . . . . . . **_

(Hayate and Ayane are conversing with Shiden)

**Ayane: **I believe that Kasumi shouldn't be allowed back into our clan.

**Hayate: **Ayane... She is your sister... Our sister.

**Ayane:** But she's a traitor, Master Hayate.

**Hayate: **Father, hear me out... Kasumi did what she could for the clan.

**Shiden: **She still betrayed the clan and could have given away our secrets.

**Ayane: **I bet that traitor and Raidou are planning something evil right about now-

(Hayate slaps Ayane)

**Ayane: **Ouch... (touches cheek)

**Shiden: **Hayate, that is enough!

(Hayate slaps Shiden)

**Hayate: **Let Kasumi back into the clan this instant!

**Shiden: **No.

(Hayate slaps Shiden again)

**Hayate: **Don't be a bitch, Father!

_**My apologies if I made Hayate swear too much. I really hope you laughed as much as I did, lol. **_

_**Yeah, so I changed the rating to M (just to be safe). **_

_**I'm also sorry if I offended anyone and their favourite characters in any way. Please don't flame me! I'm also sorry for the Ayane bashing... If it makes you feel better, I made Hayate go off at Lisa even more! Am I forgiven?... And remember; this is a humor. I don't mean anything I say. That also means Hayate won't act as his usual self.**_

_**Remember to review on what you think and who the next person should be. Also tell me which scene you liked the most, or thought was the funniest!**_

_**The character with the most votes wins the next chapter!**_

_**Till next time! xx**_


	3. 2 Ryu Hayabusa

**Hey readers... I'm sorry if me updating this chapter again iss annoying you all, but I really needed to fix around some things. So feel free to read! ~**

**Well, the last time I checked... Ryu won by one point in front of Kasumi. So I guess he will be the 'hero' in this little chapter, hehe. I tried my best to make it funny. This time, I tried to make none of the characters swear. It's just not like them, so why should I change that?...**

**Well anyway, the characters won't act like their usual selves, cause it's a HUMOUR!** **And yeah... The scenes aren't in any specific order. So please don't get confused.**

**Disclaimer - I don't own anything.**

**~ Enjoy :) ~**

(Ryu is casually looking like a loner during the announcement of the second Dead Or Alive Tournament)

**Lisa: **Well, well, well... If it isn't Ryu Hayabusa...

**Ryu:** Do I know you, stalker?

**Lisa: **No. My name is Lisa... Lisa Hamilton.

(Lisa extends her hand for a friendly handshake)

**Ryu: **Cool story bro.

(Ryu starts to walk away)

**Lisa: **Where are you going?

**Ryu: **Away from you...

**Lisa: **Oh wait... Don't go- Aaaahhhh!

(Lisa stumbles and falls over)

(Instead of using his super ninja skills to catch her in time, Ryu watches Lisa fall to the ground)

**Ryu: **Can you do anything right? Geez, woman! You almost spilt your margarita on my newly polished shoes!

(Ryu starts to walk away again)

**Lisa: **Aren't you going to be a gentleman and help me up?

**Ryu:** I'm not your gentleman... I have many people to take care of. A drunken idiot is another to add to the list if I were to help you up.

**Zack: **BURNNNN! (snaps fingers)

**. . .**

(Ryu somehow ends up in Lisa's hotel room)

(Lisa is talking on the phone in the shower. Ryu 'accidentally' happens to hear the conversation)

**Lisa:** Yes Sir. Operation Alpha is ready to go.

**Ryu: **She's probably talking to her psychiatrist...

(Ryu 'accidentally' happens to find an ID card on the bathroom counter)

**Ryu:** Lisa Hamilton... Occupation: DOATEC Scientist... Maybe this can help me find Kasumi...

(Ryu leaps out of the window, ready to be taken by Irene's helicopter. Instead of the helicopter actually being there, Ryu falls.)

**Ryu:** (Shouting) Damn you, Irene!

(Ryu starts waving his fist like a crazy terrorist, still falling)

**. . .**

(Kasumi and Lisa are socializing)

**Ryu:** Get back, Kasumi!

(Gigantic fan explodes)

(Ryu walks in, almost tripping over a part of the destructed fan)

**Kasumi:** Are you alright?

**Ryu:** Yes, yes... But the real question is... Why are we all here at this circus?

**Lisa:** Circus?

**Ryu:** Oh... It's you. I thought I smelt something 'unpleasant' in here...

(Ryu starts to sniff the air)

**Ryu: **Yepp, it's definitely you! (Points at Lisa)

**Lisa:** Lets get out of here...

(Lisa runs away, dragging Alpha along)

**Ryu:** She's not even trying to deny that she's crazy!

**Kasumi:** ...

**Ryu:** Look at her run with those chicken legs...

**Kasumi:** (Calling out to Lisa) Oh wait! Where's my brother?

**Ryu:** Don't worry about the crazy woman, Kasumi. Lets go!

**Kasumi:** But... But Hayate!

**Ryu:** No need to worry... We all know he's dead.

**Kasumi:** I don't believe that he's dead!

**Ryu: **Okay, okay... He's not dead, blah blah blah- Lets go!

(Ryu holds Kasumi, escaping the lab)

**Kasumi:** Hayate... My brother!

**Ryu: **No... I'm Ryu, your... Protector?... Friend?... Lover?

**Kasumi:** What?...

**Ryu: **Never mind... (Starts to whistle)

**. . .**

(Irene is on her laptop, searching through some DOATEC documents)

**Irene: **Wow...

**Ryu: **What is it?

**Irene: **I just can't believe it!

**Ryu: **What can't you believe, woman?!

**Irene: **They've... resurrected Hayate.

(Ryu starts to laugh uncontrollably)

**Irene: **What's so funny?

**Ryu: **He's dead. He can't be resurrected!

(Ryu continues to laugh)

**Irene: **Whatever...

**Ryu: **You're so stupid! (Ryu points at Irene, making faces)

**. . .**

**Kasumi:** I have to find my brother.

**Ryu:** Kasumi... He's a corpse now. A bloody corpse...

**Kasumi:** I must find him.

**Ryu:** You are a shinobi. Therefore, you must act like o-

**Kasumi:** My clan matters aren't important right now... I have to find my brothe-

**Ryu:** Don't you dare say 'brothel'!

**Kasumi:** I was going to say 'brother'...

**Ryu:** Thats even worse...

**Kasumi:** I have no time for this... I have to find him.

**Ryu: **Sounds like you really love the guy...

**Kasumi:** Of course I do!

**Ryu: **Wow. Thats deep...

**Kasumi:** Now, I must go-

(Ryu slaps Kasumi)

**Ryu:** He's dead. Gosh! How many times do I have to tell you?

**Irene:** Ryu, calm down!

**Ryu:** Go back to that black box of yours and start typing!

**. . .**

(Jann Lee is practicing his kung fu during the second tournament)

**Ryu: **This is no place for loonatics- I mean... commoners like yourself!

**Jann Lee: **Commoner?... What are you trying to say?

**Ryu:** That you should leave. I'm trying to protect you.

**Jann Lee:** I can take care of myself.

(Jann Lee continues to practice his kung fu)

**Ryu: **Listen, Mary-Jane... You need to leave. There's a large turkey with a gigantic nose arriving soon, so I-

**Jann Lee: **Fight me.

**Ryu: **Why?...

**Jann Lee:** Well you just said that a turkey with a large nose is going to appear, and you have just appeared... So, lets fight, you BEAST!

**Ryu:** Thats so mean... You totally hurt my feelings!

**. . .**

(Ryu finds Hayate)

**Ryu: **You... It cannot be-

**Hayate:** Well it is!

**Ryu:** Lets get you back home.

**Hayate: **Never. I am a ninja now!

**Ryu:** You're... already a ninja...

**Hayate: **No i'm not. I'm the ninja of lightening. And you can't stop me!

**Ryu:** (sarcastically) And i'm the prince of rainbow unicorns!

**Hayate:** That's just stupid...

**. . .**

**Ryu:** If a stranger offered you candy near a white van, what would you say?

**Hayate:** I would say no.

(Ryu slaps Hayate)

**Ryu:** You're supposed to take the candy! You're such an idiot!

**. . .**

(Ryu defeats Hayate)

**Hayate:** And so... the candy man has defeated me... Story of my life.

**Ryu:** Okay... I'm totally sick of hearing about your life! It's all i've been hearing about during the second tournament. So lets talk about mine...

**Hayate:** Oh, dear God...

**Ryu: **It all started when I was born on Mount Fiji-

**Hayate:** I know who you are now... You're name is Ryu!

**Ryu: **Stop interrupting me!

**Hayate:** And my name is Hayate...

**Ryu: **Of course... It's all about Hayate again!

**. . .**

(Ryu runs into Kasumi on the Suspension Bridge)

**Ryu:** There you are!

**Kasumi:** Please, stay out of this, Hayabus-

**Ryu:** I've missed you!

(Kasumi looks at Ryu curiously as he hugs a teddybear)

**Kasumi:** Oh, I thought you were looking for me... Well, this is awkward... (Nervous laugh)

**Ryu:** Please, Kasumi, be quiet. I'm trying to have some alone time with my blue care-bear!

**Kasumi:** I'll leave you alone with your... Care-bear... And i'll continue to find Hayate.

**Ryu:** CAN YOU GO ALREADY?

**. . .**

(Ryu defeats Hayate during the DOA3 Tournament)

**Ryu:** Next time, don't you dare give me fashion tips... My pants are chic!

(**Note: **You won't understand this if you haven't read chapter one!)

**Hayate:** (exhausted) They're... A bloody disaster... Like your face!

**Ryu:** My face is very manly!

**Hayate:** A manly man with a chic fashion sense... Nice Ryu, nice...

**Ryu: **Stay on the ground, you little trouble maker!

**. . .**

(Ryu finds out that Christie has kidnapped Irene)

**Ryu:** IRENEEE!

(Ryu jumps off the roof, almost falling over. Christie continues to run)

**Christie:** You can't catch me!

**Ryu:** Yes I can... Irene weighs over a thousand tons!

**Irene: **HEY!

**Ryu: **Yes, you heard me... You ELEPHANT!

(Ryu starts to wave his hand in the air like a mad-man, still running after Christie)

**. . .**

(Ryu faces the Tengu, about to fight)

**Ryu: **Prepare to have your life take-

**Tengu:** Hey, we look alike!

(Ryu starts to think about what Jann Lee had said earlier)

**Ryu:** ... WE DO NOT!

**Tengu: **Well... I'm the better looking version of you.

**Ryu: **Thats it! You're going to die!

**. . .**

(Ryu runs into Jann Lee while he's practicing with his nun-chucks)

**Ryu:** Hey, where are the toilets- Oh... it's you.

**Jann Lee: **Are you good at nun-chucks?...

**Ryu: **I have no time for this. I have to go to the toilet...

(Ryu runs away, still trying to find the toilet)

**Jann Lee:** I'm guessing that you're going to pee out of your large turkey nose?...

**. . .**

(Ryu runs into Ayane. They talk, and then Christie suddenly makes an 'interesting' entrance)

**Christie: **My plans were going well for DOATEC... Then you ninjas had to come and ruin the fun.

**Ayane: **DOATEC has gone too far. We're putting an end to it.

**Ryu:** Ayane, fight this old woman... I sense as though Kasumi is in danger.

**Ayane:** Kasumi this, Kasumi that... Why doesn't she just marry everybo-... Master Ryu?

(Ayane sees that Ryu has already left)

**. . .**

(Helena is about to shoot Kasumi. Instead, a kunai is thrown at the gun to stop it)

**Ryu:** You're making my promise to Hayate very difficult...

**Helena:** She doesn't need to interfere with DOATEC anymore. She must be eliminated.

**Ryu: **Don't make me go all Osama on you, Helena!

**. . .**

(Kasumi finally comes face to face with her clone)

**Kasumi:** What... is this thing?

**Ryu: **The combination of your DNA... and boobs.

**Kasumi: **What else do you know?

**Ryu: **That you should fight your clone and sacrifice your life for us all.

(Ryu starts to walk away)

**Ryu: **Die on me Kasumi... So that my promise to Hayate can finally be over.

**. . .**

(During Ryu's DOA4 ending scene. Missles are charged towards Ryu while he is in the air. Blah blah, he does a ballerina spin and is safe from the missile that was going to attack his leg)

**Ryu:** Watch it, you idiots! I'm trying to destroy DOATEC here!

**. . .**

**Bonus Scene !**

~ During the events of Dead or Alive Xtreme 2... ~

(It's morning in the 'Brilliant Jungle', and Kasumi is resting)

**Hitomi:** Hey Kasumi... Want to be my partner?

**Kasumi:** ...

**Hitomi:** ...

**Kasumi:** I'm all yours!

**Ryu:** No, you're not!

**Kasumi:** But, I-

**Ryu:** No... Just NO!

**As you can see, I deleted the Kasumi/Raidou scene. It just wasn't necessary. And I have to admit, the Xtreme scene was pretty random of me. Yeah, I started playing it again and felt like adding it in. (What?... I like shopping... And the marine racing!) You can also see that most of the words were gibberish and not actual lines from the actual games... So don't complain! Please!**

**Well, feel free to vote for the next person, as well as what scene you liked most! I didn't get much reviews last time, so everyone is currently on a tie...**

**Also, I'm starting a new poll. It's about which story I should continue on. Thanks a bunch! Review.**


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